Holding the space for IVF failure

I was very aware that IVF was only really a sidenote for me because I chose not to do it. Although I was told it was the only option for me to pursue parenthood and a leaflet was wafted under my nose, everything in me screamed ‘no’, and the stats (something we refer to in this episode) completely did it for me.

It wasn’t a choice that felt good at the time, but the more I’ve sat with it, I realise that it was 100% the right decision for me. I just had a sense that I didn’t have it in me to start another quest for children that carried no guarantees, given that my journey to that point had been bloody hard.

And so, coming to this Full Stop podcast episode, I wondered what I could bring to the conversation. Don’t get me wrong I was completely aware of the need to hold space for Berenice and Michael, which was tough because I had to watch my friends still wrestling with the feelings that are left over from an IVF journey that has not ended with a family. But, as a therapist, I see this a lot. I work with clients straddling the end of an IVF journey and transitioning into a childless journey.

The one thing I always feel is important for people coming out the back of their journey is helping them reconnect with their body but also the story of what they have been through. Many clients, not in so many words, talk about snapshots of things, and then having no time to reflect on a loss, or something traumatic. It has to be filed away because they need to get onboard for another cycle.

And I think that is the important thing in this episode because you can hear the emotions from Michael and Berenice when they reconnect with their own stories. Those feelings, while they may diminish, don’t go away because they are a commentary on what they have been through. Those feelings can be hard to sit with, but they need to be listened to, and they need to be respected, because the story is important.

Only when you start to connect again to the story, can you start to listen to the pain and the emotions that are sitting waiting to be heard and witnessed. And then the healing can begin, which can be opening up to other feelings, or even opening up to the potential for those feelings, by finding something else to focus on.

It’s tough to come to childlessness, regardless of the journey you have been on. There are layers associated with being childless by circumstance, but there are also layers associated with the body being put through so much to try and get the family that is wanted. It’s why it always comes back to our words, our feelings and our stories.

Sarah Lawrence is a co-founder of The Full Stop Community, co-presents the Full Stop podcast and is a therapist at After The Storm.

Image of a lifebelt in red and white on water. Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

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Where Do I Belong?: Reflections from Childless Aunts, Uncles & Godparents