Navigating the ‘Friendship Gap’: Finding Connection Beyond Childlessness
“Friendships can feel like family. Found family and friendship — for me, that’s a more powerful term than I ever expected.”
The Full Stop podcast reunited with Robert Nurden to Episode 73 who joined us to talk about reactions to the publication of ‘I Always Wanted To Be A Dad’: Men without Children’ in his friendship circle.
We explored one of the more quietly devastating aspects of childlessness not by choice: the loss of friendships. There’s a growing library of material around childlessness and the connection with grief, identity, and acceptance, but we’ve found that the unstable ground of friendships and how they fade, fracture, or disappear entirely is a conversation that remains largely in the shadows.
Friendships can predate childlessness, maybe they form because of it or since, and form a large part of our lives, perhaps more so because of the absence of what society believes to be a traditional family. We childless may turn to a ‘found family’ of friends instead of blood relatives to gain support from people like us.
Robert Nurden, journalist and author reflected on how writing and creativity helped him process his grief: “By acknowledging the grief, you become vulnerable. And this attracts a different kind of person.”
He also reflects on how losing friendships is often not about rejection but about change: “Loss of friendship sounds quite dramatic… but it’s often just a lessening, a quiet cooling off.”
Our co-director and host, Sarah Lawrence, who is also a therapist, highlights how difficult it is to feel “left behind”: “I watched people sort of slide out of my life. Whether I wanted them to or not.”
This episode pulls friendship and childlessness into the spotlight. Through vulnerable storytelling and honest reflection, we talk with Robert about how to come to terms with changing friendships, not just because others become parents, but because childlessness transforms us too. This is a vital resource for anyone navigating social disconnection due to not being a parent, and also for parents who may wish to bridge the gap, after all, it takes more than one person to create a friendship and maintain it.
We cover a lot of ground from the murky world of workplace and friends, the challenges of being vulnerable and honest about childlessness in public forums and the overwhelm of shared experiences in fertility groups/trying to conceive spaces and the emotional toll when those connections dissolve. How has your own experience with childlessness affected your friendships?
Losing and finding friendships
One of the hardest things associated with being childless, other than the actual childlessness, is the loss of friendship. I’ve experienced the slow sliding away that happens with friends as we wrestle with the grief. So too have many of my friends, and my clients.
And there aren’t words to adequately express the shitty feeling as we become increasingly isolated and alone in our grief. It could be the friends slide out of view, because they are parents or are simply unable to sit with us while we’re in so much pain, or it could be that we quietly exit stage left, as we just need to distance ourselves from people.
And sadly, it’s not confined to just the childless friends in my life, it’s a common phenomenon, that Jody Day has called the ‘Friendship Apocalypse’. It’s something we don’t really talk about that much as a community. That’s why it was a pleasure to have Robert Nurden join us, because this phenomenon is referenced in his book ‘I always wanted to be a dad’ and something he clearly knows about.
Robert spoke about many things, but the thing I really found interesting (perhaps unsurprisingly) was how the experience of childlessness fundamentally transforms us at a much deeper level, if we do the grief work.
I know from my own experience that I’ve lost friends through them sliding out of my life; a quiet drifting apart that comes from them having become parents and sadly me not being able to. And I’ve had to remove people from my life because I was a raw nerve of a person and needed to heal, which is something I felt I needed to do on my own and in therapy … while mourning the loss of the connection with people in my life.
So, while their lives continued at pace, mine ground to a halt and became increasingly isolated as I did my grief work. It was a lonely place that only other childless people could sit with.
However, that work has changed me as a person, and I turn up a lot differently to the way I did before my childlessness. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my childlessness, and whereas I used to hate that friends were leaving me behind I now find that I have a better quality of friendship because I value my friendships more, perhaps as a result of turning up more genuinely.
It’s not that I took people for granted, I just never felt able to connect with them on a deeper level. I’d hold people at a distance. However, having done the grief work, I think back to the friends I had before, and they were wonderful, but I know I wouldn’t chime with them now. Not because they’re parents, but because I find myself drawn to different people, usually people that have been through some really shitty stuff and as a result are a deeper, more reflective and, dare I say it, more interesting person.
They too have felt the flames of grief burn them to their rawest, most elemental self, and have had to rebuild themselves again. They’ve had to rediscover the parts of themselves, like Robert’s creative side, that were pushed away, only to be rediscovered when the flames of grief started to subside.
It’s a beautiful life-changing process working through the grief and trauma. I’ve seen it in myself, and I have the privilege of seeing it time and time again with my clients, walking alongside them as they work through their grief, working hard to find themselves again and start to rebuild their lives.
And the biggest joy is seeing them start to discover new parts of themselves and becoming excited about their lives again, even though its not the one they wanted. Finding new excitement for hobbies that help them connect with new people, both parents and non-parents, is often an unexpected excitement as they see that they are people worth being around, and that the loss of those friendships was never about them but was about the friend not being able to sit with them in their grief and that lonely place.
Sarah Lawrence, Director and Host of The Full Stop and Director of After The Storm
Glue
In the podcast, I say that childlessness might not be enough glue to sustain a friendship. We each come to this place by very personal and different routes, and that carries emotional weight. We often change along the way and grief can mould us into new versions of ourselves. I’m not the same person that I was in 2019 when the podcast began. I’ve lost and gained friends along the way and I feel settled with a found family. I agree so much with Sarah’s words, that we’re more likely to invest in friendships because of our circumstances.
Robert has become a much-valued friend as have many of our guests, and that was a happenstance of being childless along with the shared appreciation of book design. It’s more than childlessness, and I know he’s become a friend to many of you too. I am pleased that he joined us to talk about the impact of the publication of ‘I Always Wanted To Be A Dad: Men Without Children’ and how going public can affect how friends, colleagues and loved ones perceive us. It’s relatable on any level, as is how he navigated the issues.
That’s not to say that your Full Stop team are a perfect model of friendship, but we’ve more in common than childlessness. We know that there’s an awful lot of respect and love to be found if we park those outdated concepts of competitiveness that influence us in workplaces and in society at large, and replace them with collaboration and friendship.
I hope that this episode gives you hope. I love to see friendships bloom between guests, at events and in our online community too. One of my Full Stop highlights is the gathering we arranged in 2023 at the pub in St Pancras, and the enormous effort that people made to be there. We took over a pub terrace and witnessed many friendships being made that afternoon, and well into the evening. For some it was the first time they had been in a space with so many childless people and that is hopeful.
Let’s stick (yes, an awful pun) together; there’s lots to learn from each other. Do you have a found family?
Berenice, Director and host of The Full Stop and Founder of Hello Lovely Design and Co (who designed Robert’s book!)
Balance
I often think about my friendships, and I spend a lot of time thinking about those that have passed.
Beating myself up at times wondering, was it me or them that resulted in them not being in my life anymore. I have had those who would berate me for not getting in contact for a long time and at the same time I have those that, coming together after a long time just pick up where we left off. When I think about what it is that allows this to happen, it’s not a simple answer, it’s layer like most things in life.
I have friends in the UK that I have not seen in person for years but when we arrive in the country, we pick up where we left off. I’m a big advocate for social media and I know it is this that allows us to keep in touch, keeping the flame of friendship alive. When they see the funny memes or a funny episode that may have come from Vickie and me having a discussion that I share tempers the more heart-felt content when I talk about childlessness. I like to think they see a balance.
I have friends here in Australia with whom I have a deep history. We have had some great adventures together, but our lives also steer us in different directions at times, but that history keeps us bonded.
Vickie (my wife)and I have, of course, lost friends over childlessness, but at the same time we have kept friendships through our childlessness. Like Robert mentions in our discussion, one of the key reasons is that we have been able to talk about our childlessness and help those understand what it’s like. It has really helped me understand the value of talking up and not staying silent about our childlessness. I know it can seem daunting and scary, but it can open doors that you may never have known were there.
Just like social media, talking is a tool that can be leveraged to our advantage when crafting our narrative a letting the world know we exist in a different way to those around us.
I’d love to know what you have found useful in helping you build friendships.
Michael Hughes, Director and host of The Full Stop
Learning from the Full Stop podcast, episode 73
Friendships Often “Slide” Away
Friendship loss is not always a dramatic fallout; often it’s a slow, painful fade. Sarah Lawrence captured it best: “There were an awful lot of people that just slid out of my friendship group. It wasn’t dramatic. They just weren’t there anymore.”
Grief Changes Us, and Who We Relate To
Childlessness isn’t just the absence of children. It’s a grief that reshapes your sense of identity and connection. As Robert Nurden explained, “You yourself have changed — and are changing — at a really, really deep level. That affects who you’re able to connect with.”
The Importance of ‘Grief Work’
Michael emphasised the emotional labour of navigating friendship and grief: “If you don’t talk about it, nothing will change. But yes, there’s a complex journey to go through to get to that point.” Grief work, as Sarah describes it, is essential before deeper connections can be rebuilt — whether with old friends or new ones.
The Power of Found Family
Amidst friendship loss, many find connection and healing within the childless community itself. These relationships often carry a profound depth and safety. Berenice explained that: “Friendships can feel like family. ‘Found family’ is a more powerful term when people identify as single, childless people.”
Friendships Can Be Repaired
Not all connections are lost. Some are transformed. Robert shared how one close friend initially resisted his story but, over time and many conversations (and bottles of wine), came to understand it. “He suddenly said, ‘I get it.’ It was a eureka moment. That was a good outcome from the initial misunderstanding.”
Conclusion
The grief of losing friendships after becoming childless not by choice is real — and rarely acknowledged. But there is healing in naming it, in sharing it, and in finding others who understand.
Resources and Reading
If you’ve experienced this kind of loss, we warmly invite you to our Full Stop community for childless not by choice people, where you can meet new friends and join the conversation in our community. Share your story, connect with others, and explore the rich, messy, and transformative terrain of life without children.
Listen to Episode 73 of The Full Stop Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
Read Jody Day’s blog on The Friendship Gap Between Mothers and Childless Women
World Childless Week social groups
The Full Stop podcast on Loneliness with Dr Joanne Lawrence-Bourne and Dr Robin Hadley
What’s inside the Full Stop Community?
“It’s good to be in such a welcoming environment.”
It’s an online, safe space hosted on our chosen platform Circle and curated by us. This means no adverts or algorithms. It is open to all who are childless regardless of age, religion, gender or sexuality.
We welcome your views, and we always listen. After all, it’s your Full Stop Podcast and your Community.
We have twenty spaces covering topics from building a business, wellbeing, workplace, culture, grief and wins, supported by monthly chats with each of the hosts.
Michael holds monthly ‘any topic you like’ chats across two time zones, Berenice holds a monthly culture club and Sarah has online wellbeing spaces. We actively encourage members to shape the space.
You can join in with the podcast recordings on your exclusive link and ask questions via Riverside.
It’s accessible via Android and iPhone apps so you can take your Full Stop with you everywhere.
If you’d like to join and you have a question you can’t find an answer to, please contact Sarah, Michael or Berenice in complete confidence (firstname@thefullstoppod.com)
We have two tiers of membership with Access All Areas and Full Stop podcast and an ally membership
We’re a realistic space aware that we’re not in the first flush of grief but that it’ll pop up sometimes and there’s space to share, or connect over the life wins and seek support.
We are serious about childlessness and walk beside you, you’re not alone.
If you’d like to join our space and you’re concerned about cost, please do not feel this is a barrier, we’ll welcome you into our home, no questions asked. Email either one of us to join.
