Surviving Christmas
I must warn you, if you are thinking you’re going to learn a subtle way of surviving being childless, this is not for you. This will be almost like a frontal attack, something that Napoleon would have been proud of.
As with most families there are complexities that the pressure of Christmas seems to always bring to the fore. Ours is no different and last year was a great example, I’d lost my job earlier in the month we were both smashed by a bout of Glandular fever, we were not in a good place. My parents had decided to make the effort to travel to the UK to have a Christmas with my sister, as they are both over 70 and with varying health issues, it wasn’t an easy time for all.
My wife and I are seen as the ones who can successfully cater for many in our family, so for years we would slave away for the day creating a memorable Christmas lunch, only to fall in a heap at the end of it, with me trying to come to terms with how tired I was for just one day and my wife excited that we had pulled off yet another fabulous Christmas feast, she usually loves Christmas.
Last year was different
As a present to ourselves we decided that this Christmas it was going to be different for us, taking advantage of mum and dad being overseas, we decided that we’d close the plantation shutters, turn on the air conditioning (we are in Australia) and sit around in pyjamas all day, eating whatever we could get out of the fridge or Freezer, no special meals, no roasting, no vegetables, but Ice Cream was on top of the list.
It didn’t go down well, at the least some scratched their head, others got very upset.
This is because no one was listening, but not by any action of ours. We live a very overt life, many years of dealing with various issues on the psychologist’s couch has taught us the strength in being open. But sadly, no matter how many times you tell some people, ‘Christmas is tough, for us because it reminds us of what we won’t have’ or ‘sorry we can’t come to your child’s birthday party because they are just too upsetting’, they will never hear the message you are trying to send. You may get an answer, as we did something like “Why don’t you like us, you never come our daughter’s parties” or a real humdinger “why are you always forcing down our throats, that you can’t because you don’t have kids”.
We have shed many a tear, when at a low ebb almost convinced how nasty and selfish we must be. It is an easy trap to full into, conditioned by those around you to live ‘their’ life and not your own. It takes guts and a thick skin to weather this storm, but we stayed true to ‘OUR’ needs and believed we couldn’t have done more to educate those around us of our situation and so we still shut those shutters.
Why did I share this with you?
We realised that survival starts with us, no matter how we looked at it, we are different and that’s an important factor we needed to recognise and internalise. Once we had this squared away, we needed to get the message out to all those near and dear to us. I know this is easier said than done, but we knew we had to rise above that self-imposed stigma, that is being childless can create and let those near and dear know, exactly how we felt and why.
“Let them know you are different, let them know you will not see the world in the way they do and let them know all the milestones of their lives that all revolve around children, will have the opposite effect on you.”
I bet there are some of you cringing right now, thinking how uncomfortable it would be to do that, undermining yourself by saying you won’t have the strength perhaps.
Something that I have come to cherish is a lesson taught to me by some acting classes I took many years ago. Standing on the stage can be such a terrifying ordeal, you are exposed and vulnerable, until you realise that you are the one with the power, you are the one in control.
Everyone in the audience is in awe of you up on the stage, because they believe it is something they could not do. Your skill as an actor delivering the lines have the ability to control their emotions, living that overt life is not too far removed from this situation.
Having the courage to speak up and not hide will leave those around you in awe of your strength, granted they may not vocalise that, it might make them feel awkward. And yes, there will always be those that will not listen and just not want to understand your behaviour because it is not what THEY want from you.
