Loneliness and Layers in RelationshipsNo matter how we come to be childless, there’s no denying that when we come to the point that we have to start to accept that we’re not going to be able to have the family we dreamed of, it comes with a lot of layers. And for those of us in relationships, there are layers relating to the other person, and our perception of difference. It was something the wonderful Meriel Whale, counsellor and couples counsellor, touched on when she joined us as a guest to discuss childlessness in intimate relationships. There were so many great points that she made, but the ones that stayed with me and which you’ll hear me reflect on in the episode are the differences that happen when people go through childlessness as part of a couple. I know from working with people who are coupled, as well as those who are single, that many of us feel that childlessness becomes another presence in our lives. For me, it certainly has. It has needed me to adjust for it, it has been the motivator of my life for 11 years now, and it has also been a squeaky third wheel in my relationship. It's not easy to accept as a presence in your life or your relationship, but I recognise that I have needed to make those adjustments. I have needed to say ‘no’ to things that I would’ve said ‘yes’ to before, and I have needed to recognise that my childlessness has changed me beyond recognition. And that is because of the depth of the work that childlessness has meant I have needed to do on myself. I know for me there have been many layers associated with my childlessness, and yes at times it’s very much felt like the worst game of pass-the-parcel, as another layer has been peeled away to reveal yet more crap that has needed to be processed and worked on. But, a key part of that work was recognising that my childlessness didn’t just span the time of my fertility shitshow, it went for a lot longer and involved a lot of my childhood, which has included experiences that have influenced who I was, how I turned up and the work I needed to do in order to become who I am now. And the recognition of this has influenced how I have dealt with my childlessness as opposed to my partner’s way of dealing with it. This has caused ruptures because my way of dealing with it isn’t the easiest way, but I couldn’t remain the same person; I needed to heal, and I needed to address the layers…many of which were not obvious to me when I started therapy. And this has led to feelings of loneliness at times in my relationship, because it has felt at times as though I was doing it myself, which has been painful. And it’s an experience I see time and time again with my clients, regardless of their relationship status, there’s a layer that’s lonely, because this type of grief cannot be shared, not even, at times with the person that is meant to be our nearest and dearest. It's always why I encourage my clients, and why I would encourage you to find connection where you can, regardless of your relationship status. When I found there was a community of people who got my childlessness, I cannot tell you the relief I felt, because even in my relationship, I was feeling out of place. Yes, the therapy was key to my recovery, but so too was finding people that I didn’t need to explain, or I felt at some level able to feel less alone. It's why I love that Michael has always said ‘You’re not alone’, because simply at our lowest points we may feel we are, but actually you’re not. We’re all here waiting for you to come and join us, when you feel able to. Sarah x
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