Dear Subscriber First Name

There are some conversations that take a little courage to start — and this is one of them. In our latest episode, we're exploring a topic that touches so many of us in the childless not by choice community, yet rarely gets the honest, practical airtime it deserves: end-of-life planning when you don't have children.

We want to say upfront that if the idea of reading or listening to this feels like a lot, that's completely okay. You can come back to it when it feels right. There is no rush and no pressure. What we do want you to know is that this conversation was made with you in mind. Our guests — Charlotte, a wills and probate solicitor, Gayle Letherby, a sociologist (who returns to our podcast), and Penny Shepherd, a trustee from the Ageing Without Children charity — have approached everything with warmth, practicality and honesty, and we hope it leaves you feeling more informed and less alone, rather than overwhelmed.

So many of the resources and systems out there around later life planning make a quiet assumption: that there is someone you trust, someone who knows you, someone who will step in. For many of us, that assumption simply doesn't hold and we believe that it's high time that gap was named, talked about, and filled with better information and better support. This episode is a step in that direction. It does have it’s roots in the UK legal and care system, and what you can do and are entitled to vary from country to country. If you’d like to share how that is where you live then you can come onto our podcast via our Be A Guest form, or indeed get in touch about any other topic. We’re planning for 2027 already.

If this episode stirs up thoughts, feelings or questions — or if you'd simply like to be in a space with people who truly get it — we'd love for you to join us over in The Full Stop Community. It's a warm, honest space where conversations like this one can continue at whatever pace feels right for you. Come and find us.

As always, you are not alone.

With love, Berenice and Michael, and Sarah
email us: hello@thefullstoppod.com

International Logistics

As I mention in this episode, we have always known my parents' wishes for when they pass. But as we discuss in the podcast, once you go down this rabbit hole, it just poses more and more questions. It really reinforces the fact that those of us who are childless truly need to be organized.

My mum’s wishes are a great example. She wants to be cremated and her ashes divided between several places: some with her mum at Golders Green in London, and some with her dad in Ravenna, Italy. He was killed in the Second World War and is buried in a Commonwealth War Cemetery there. She wants some to go with her sister, and finally, some to stay here in Australia, as this is the home of her two boys.

You think that’s complicated? Wait, there’s more!

Last time we were in the UK, my sister and I visited Golders Green to ask about placing Mum’s ashes with her mother. But what are the rules about taking ashes internationally? It turns out that once Mum is cremated, I have to get a declaration from the funeral home to transport them. I expect there will also be specific criteria for the type of vessel needed. So, Golders Green is sorted ... but I have no idea about Ravenna right now.

My sister and I were only discussing the next hurdle last week. Our aunt Jean (Mum’s sister) is buried with her husband in a natural burial ground where they plant a tree. I now have to consult two cousins to see if they are comfortable with my mum’s ashes being placed with their parents. My sister has stated categorically that she can’t ask; she feels torn because it’s Mum’s wish, but is it even appropriate to ask? We aren't sure what we’ll do yet.

As for my dad, he has simply said, 'I’m going with whatever Mum is doing.' So now, if I ever get Mum’s ashes to Ravenna, I have to wonder: would my grandfather have wanted someone he never met scattered around his grave?

The point I’m getting to is this: while we can navigate these complexities for our parents, the bigger question is—who is going to do this for us? This is exactly why it is so vital for the childless community to plan for end-of-life. 

Michael x

The Conversations We Keep Putting Off (And Why It's Time to Have Them)

We've had some brave episodes on the Full Stop pod before, but this one felt different. Sitting with Charlotte, Gail and Penny and listening to the practical realities of what it means to plan for later life and for death when you don't have children, I found myself ticking off all the things I haven't done yet. The power of attorney I keep meaning to sort out. What to do with the mantlepiece clock? The conversations I've half-started and the general, low-level awareness that, at some point, this stuff does matter. I know it does because I’ve supported my husband through the death of his parents and was old enough to know the upset when my great-grandparents died intestate, leaving 7 surviving adult children.

Since we recorded this episode, I actually signed my parents' power of attorney. I'm really glad I did. It felt less like confronting death and more like an act of love, both for my parents and, honestly, for myself, as I know they’re safe, but it’s taken years to have the conversation to actually do it, and only after they had a Christmas of poor health. I knew a lot more because of Charlotte’s words and what to look out for.

Penny's point about how so much of the information and guidance out there starts from an assumption that simply doesn't apply to many of us: that there is someone you trust, was the reason we wanted to record this podcast. So many resources and healthcare practitioners assume there is someone who will manage the healthcare appointments, advocate for you in the hospital, know where your will is, take the dog, and sort through your things. For many of us in the childless not by choice community, that assumption is painful because it highlights, yet again, a gap we navigate largely on our own. For those of us who know we are ageing without nieces, nephews or a partner, then it’s even more isolating. Denise and Patricia mentioned this on their podcast with us in April 2023.

Gail's concept of "social death" stayed with me, too. That idea that even before physical death, people without children can feel rendered invisible by being left out of certain social spaces, assumed futures, and conversations. It was helpful to talk about it since I’ve felt it, and I bet you have too.

What I hope you take from this episode isn't fear or overwhelm. I hope you take a quiet permission to have a conversation, ask questions, and be kind to yourself if you don’t have it worked out. But also knowing that you have options and that there are spaces to talk about this, not least Ageing Without Children and our Full Stop Community.

Come and find us.

Berenice x

In Other News

The Guardian published this Opinion piece by Nuala McGovern, from BBC Woman’s Hour, on finding the right words for infertility. We thought it was extremely thoughtful and we recognise so many of the uncomfortable responses.

Early Bird booking is now open for Storyhouse Childless, you can get a weekend pass for £25 instead of £40.

Interested in joining our library of voices? Here’s a blog post on what to expect.

We are loving the review of The Way Through the Woods by Long Litt Woon on the Nomo Book Club, and enjoyed watching Small Prophets on the BBC, largely trigger-free (with some swears).

Melissa and Lana are holding an Other’s Day Brunch in Seattle on 9th May.

Helen Louise Jones is holding a chanting circle on 19th April at 7pm BST.

We’re looking forward to welcoming Sarah back from her sabbatical.

Culture Club

Each month we gather in our Community to talk about what we’re enjoying reading, listening to or watching. Like most chats, we finally get to recommendations after we’ve had a nourishing catch-up! We’re also asking our guests what they’re enjoying. Gayle tells us that she’s reading The Promise of Happiness by Sara Ahmed. What’s your bedside book?

Join our Community

Imagine a place where you can be yourself? Where you can chat to people who are childless too, share an intention and access wellbeing advice? Seek wellbeing support, join online chats and take part in the Full Stop podcast? A home that makes you feel better?

Welcome to the Full Stop Community, an online space open to anyone who is childless not by choice, regardless of gender, race, age, religion, sexuality or circumstance. A place of inclusion where you’re in control and trusted.

Childless not by choice people can join us for the first month at no cost, and from there, experience the community on a pay-as-you-go basis for £10 per month.

We never want cost to prevent connection. Anyone who feels they would benefit from our community is warmly invited to contact the directors, in confidence, to request free membership or pay what you can. If this sounds like something that might support you (or someone you know), please know you are welcome.

Click here for more details and to complete a short application form.

Helpline details

UK: Contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123, they're open 24 hours and are there to listen and Mind.

USA: Suicide Prevention

Canada: Canada Crisis

Australia: Beyond Blue

Meriel Whale Counselling

Sarah Lawrence After The Storm

Pink Therapy (UK): Directory of LGBTQIA+ friendly therapists.

Many of our guests have channels online and blogs so you can follow what they do and read their words. Head to our podcast page, and click on the episode image to access the show notes and further reading.

How to listen to the Full Stop podcast

Hit the episode cover image above or click to get to our Listen page to listen on our website. Our bio site has all the updated listening channels not listed below.

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Disclaimer

The Full Stop podcast and content posted by The Full Stop Community CIC is presented solely for general information, and educational purposes. The guests’ views may not represent those of the Full Stop Community CIC, online community members or the co-directors. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.